The Upside: American MDs do make lawyers look good. But let’s start making doctors work for us. (Art: R. Steadman)
In college, did you ever wonder to yourself why your pre-med friends seemed dumber than a box of rocks? Have you ever had a doctor’s office voice message actually ask you to call them back during office hours? Are they nuts? What are they thinking? Anything? While admittedly crude and quick, our methodology is nonetheless sound. See Physicians versus Lawyers.
Prediction: by 2010, most jokes will start out, “How many MDs does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Reasons: (1) Off-the-charts poor service, (2) the special insularity and culture of cluelessness that permeates health care provider offices, (3) MD incompetence and (4) the now legendary disturbingly low level of real life knowledge and real world frame of reference most doctors pick up during their “education”.
Like lawyers, physicians are mere servants. They work for you. Here are 7 new rules:
1. Start treating MDs like “the help” they really are. Ask MDs–especially primary care physicians (all of them)–to come to your house to treat or examine you. But have them only use the back entrance or the garage for their visits. Make sure you hide the silver first.
2. Ask each MD you deal with exactly how high he graduated in his medical school class. What med school did he attend? In which third-world nation?
3. Make MD explain the charges herself.
4. Get MDs to admit it when they really “just don’t know”, and to quit making things up.
5. Tell your MD to fire his peasant staff, and hire smarter and stronger people, with a modicum of self-esteem.
6. If the MD is in lousy shape physically, ask her who her MD is, so you can avoid going to him.
7. Ask the MD to call you in the morning, between 8:30 and 8:45. After that, you will be busy.
Special Notice re: Surgeons: “These hands have been touched by God!” is no longer an appropriate response to a direct and clear patient question about surgery, either in the U.S. or on remote islands controlled by Jibaro villagers. We are compiling a list of such practitioners; and we’ll get them to folks we’ve heard of with nicknames like “The Hammer”, “Three Guys Who Do Plaintiff’s Work” and “The Really Dark Prince” so they can google them on the weekends for fun. Confidentiality guaranteed. Just comment or e-mail, c/o WAC?